It is true we are not out of the Sheikh mayhem yet. NOT IN A LONG SHOT!!!

But before we delve into a world of camels and dunes and agressive dark hued men molesting the finest choice of blond ladies let us recap the important things that took place in my real life.

SHERLOCK - that is all.

And as a side note - Benedict Cumberbatch, his face - merrits prolonged session of sitting upon.

And as a side to the side not.

SHERLOCK!

The end.

Now back to camels.

Today selection was brought to you by my attempt to somehow subdue my M&B immediate TO READ file. You see once you couple the easy abuse of the AMAZON PRIME system with my OCD tendencies to aquire ALL of the items related to whatever hobbie I am pre-occupied with most ... which is currently Sheikh M&Bs - you end up with pile... nay... mountains... NAY! ... ROLLING EXPANSES OF DUNES!!! made of Sheikh M&B romance novels. I needed to get some order in so I can tackle this ... also a side effect of being OCD and a serial librerian... and got my own SPECIAL system that totally kicks Dewey arse OK?

It is based on a complicated equasions composed of the suggestions in the title and whatever random things match on the cover... so... errrr... don't use it in YOUR library - but in mine, it all makes sense.

Today, leading on from the Sheik's wifes and brides we have THE SHEIKH'S CAPTIVE BRIDE by Susan Stephens and linked to it by a chain of camels upon exposed golden dunes Penny Jordan's purple prose masterpiece POSSESSED BY THE SHEIKH.

All held together by Khick-Tfu my trusty camel... his mate died a death by accidentally being thrown at the wall ... repeatadly... by me... after my ex abandoned us and I realised what a jerk he was and how much he fucked my life up until he mercifully buggered off... we bought the camels in the beduine market in Beer Sheva when we just met... don't ask ... it is a long and annoying story that also involved a rug - it could have been an M&B if the sex wasn't so shit ^^;;.

RIGHT < /vitriol>

Let us delve once more into worlds that more or less have nothing to do with the cover of the books... seriously - there weren't any camels in this and FFS - there are two things worth living for (appart from sex and sexy pharmacists!) and they are : 1) Bacon Sandwiches 2) eating bacon sandwiches on the backs of camels... and I don't have to tell you that you can't eat a bacon sandwich on the back of camels without... DUH... CAMELS!

OK I move on now:

THE SHEIKH'S CAPTIVE BRIDE

This is another one of those SPRIZE! BABY! Novels in which a supposedly highly inteligent... *sigh* blond (get used to that colour - Loreal made fuckloads of money selling their various shades of pale to women trying to snare a sheikh!) forgot that condoms exist and had unprotected sex with a stranger...

This one was a bit depressed you see. She borrowed fuckloads of money to renovate the plush estate in her village. Because she is the interior designer daughter of the servants of the old lady whom she loved so much you see. This doesn't actually impress Sheikh Khalil of Abadan (another one of those imaginary kingdoms I presume) who decided he wants the English Estate and the blond on the paper he randomly saw .

HE bribes all the bankers and builders and tea maker so no one wants to work with the blond... whose name in Lucy by the way... I got distracted by her mass of lion-like curls. Which is fine because from here on she will be endlessly compared to a HORSE (it is a measure of an Arab man that he should admire a woman like one of his steads yes? M&B belives it is!).

He goes to meet her at the village introducing himself as Khal. She can't place his accent and think he is one of her creditors but that is all ok because she is hypnotised by his pecs as they strain against his tight black T-shirt. Naturally since she knows nothing about him - she invites him home for a cup of coffee. She is an efficient woman you see so she first put the kettle on, then hands hima a payment plan and then and only then JUMP HIS BONE.

They shag on the kitchen table and then some more. In the morning he picks some flowers from her garden and leaves them for her and disapears.

A year and 3/4 later she has a job and a one year old baby, her debt are paid and she is off to Abadan where she was offered to re-design the royal palace.

She has done so much research about the colour of the walls and the history of the roof tiles she forgot to check up anything about the Royal Family itself so she is a bit shocked when Khal turned out to be the son of the ruler... well... she is not as shocked as Khal who discovered the bimbo he nailed (and then totally ruined her garden!) has given him a son.

From hence forth it is a standard tale of "You must marry me or you shall never see your son again!" The deal here is that she will marry him for 6 months and then get a fat sum of money to divorce him after which she can have visitation rights to her son.

She is devestated but yealds of course because A) she doesn't have a choice and B)The sex is heavenly.

After the luxurious marriage he behaves coldly towards her which is apparently the measure of how much he loves her. He is a manly man of much manliness you see and he believes that not only must she guess from the shape of his cock on a one night stand his identity and adress to inform him he filled her up with his babies - she must also know that him being a jerk is an indication of eternal love.

She only realises in the end of course - WHEN HE TELLS HER ON THE LAST PAGE. And then they live happily ever after ...

Snark aside (I snark therefore I love) - it wasn't a bad novel, it was entertaining. I am not going to say that it was predictable because when you read an M&B you know and DEMAND that the end be a happy ending and there are some cliches that make the genre and it would be annoying if they are not there. But I tend to like my trash with a little more unique WTF moments and this had very little appart from some mouth watering bendy sex and endless comparissons of women to fine horses.

So yes - fun but hard to remember once finished.

And now THIS:

POSSESSED BY THE SHEIKH

Let it be known that one book is all it takes to make me a fan of Penny Jordan. It is very possible that I am a fan for ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

Yes. It is filled with purple prose.
Yes. It has some rapetastic and misogenistic moments.
Yes. The leading man smell of MAN which I always asume means he needs a shower.

But this is all together what makes Sheikh romance what it should be. There is kidnapping and tents in the desert and semi naked men fighting bare chested amongst the dunes. It is fabulous!

The lady in question in the Strawberry blond Katrina. The Sheikh is Xander (he is as all rapetastic Sheikhs are - half European) a dark man with golden eye. LIKE A TIGER HE IS, FIERCE AND DANGEROUS WITH A COCK THAT GOES ON FOR MILES AND FIRE BURNING IN THE DARKNESS OF HIS SOUL!

She sees him first in a Market in the desert kingdom of Zuran (don't look on the map) where she is a part of a research team studying the unique flora and fauna of the region. She is taking a break from being sexually harassed by her boss to look at shimering gossamar and dreaming of dancing clad in it before some swarthy stranger when a swarthy stranger hops into her field of vision. Covered head to foot in a Tuareg attire so all she can see is his burning eyes.

He fix her with his intense glare and disapears into a house only to emerge a moment later dressed in a designer linen suit and smelling of lemons and MAN. Then a rush of men with guns swarms the market and he forces her to pretend she is his wife and culturally approach her in English and then stops her protest with his tongue. His firey kiss renders her speechless. Then like a wet dreams he goes away leaving her weak at the knees.

He is off to see his brother the head Sheikh which we learn has to contend with a nasty advisor who is clearly after the throne because he is fat, oily and clad with many jewels. Xander informs his brother he infiltrated the band of rebels which this minister is dealiing with and he will soon have evidence that they are planing an assassination. But he must rush again and pretend to be a desert riff-raff again. BYE!

Meantime in another part of the kingdom, smarmy oily boss doesn't take no for an answer and drugs Katrina with some sleeping pills and takes her to an oasis he knows for a spot of rape and bondage and some more rape. But before he has the chance to handcuff her to a palm tree a band of dangerous looking men on horse back shows up and he runs away leaving her to their mercy.

Luckily for her Xander is one of those and he claims her as his prize. Only another guy, who we are told doesn't have as clean fingernails as Xander, wants her for his own amusement and they have to fight over her.

Xander wins although he gets some attractive cuts in the process. He is such a considerable chap he only disarms the other man before he brings Katrina to his tent. His tent is the best tent in the world because it actually has a portable shower. I KID YOU NOT!!! WITH HOT WATER!!! SERIOUSLY!!! A NOMADIC ELECTRIC SHOWER PROBABLY POWEREED BY CAMELS THAT AREN'T EVEN THERE!!!

And with all this he still smells of MAN all the time.

Now goes on a series of chapter in which he has to turn the shower to COLD because he sees her sleeping, or she falls into his arms or she calls him a brute and hit him on his bare chest or tries to run off and he has to chase her with his robes open to the elements... which in turn makes HER rather flustered as well. She has erotic dreams in which she dance for him naked and then sit on his cock and dreams in which he ties her up and she still sits on his cock and dreams where she simply sits on his cock - no excuse needed.

One day whilst he talks to an orphan he picked off a tree in the desert by his favourite horse, the guy with the not-so-clean fingernails tries to paw her. Xander doesn't like his pawing. Despite the fact that he believes she is a whore, even though she told him her boss abducted her and she is still a virgin, he doesn't believe her WHO GETS ABDUCTED IN A DESERT THESE DAYS FFS! he goes... forgetting that this is exactly what he is doing.

His solution for the pawing? get temporarily married by the rebel gang leaderr, a marige which he promise her is not valid in Zuran but all the rebels will respect providing she will cover herself up and stop walking half naked around all the desperate violent men who didn't get laid for at least two years ...she agrees.

The hand-fasting ceremony affect them both emotionally... by which I mean - he goes off to have a cold shower and she has a series of wet dreams on the divan.

Then she finds some antique poetry books under his pillow. She accuses him of stealing them. He gets offended because they actually belonged to his mother so he forces her to have sex with him AT LAST. And by force we mean he tells her to shut up and then she sits on his cock.

Anyway... seven inches in he encounter a barrier and his heart flatters in guilt. SHE IS A VIRGIN OH NOES! He goes in the next two inches and they wake up the entire camp and their horse with her ecstatic cries of pleasure.

Now he must take her to his kingdom and marry her FOR REALZ! His honor as a man is at stake and no way was he going to forcefully smex her if he had known that her hymen was still intact... because it is ok to rape whores apparently.

So ok - this was not really THAT much of a rape because she really did jump him and told him not to stop but still... WOT?

From here on it is quite straight forward. They go back, the bad guy get done. Tehy get married, she doesn't believe he loves her because he is cold and calculating. His family loves her. Then he tells her he loves her and then everyone shags happily ever after in a big huge showe of purple prose and a repeat mentioning of the word CLITORIS... also there are the sleek banks of her femininity, the secret heart in her innermost place, pulsating clitoris, engorged nipples and a clitoris which is engorged and pulsating when rubbed.

I really really REALLY enjoyed this book - I don't care how wrong this is. It is all that I want from a Sheikh M&B.

But in the meantime - enjoy mah darlinks.

This is Lamasu - reading trashy books so you don't have to.

Over and Out ^_^.

Actually no twist. It is all fairly predictable and bearing quite frequently, the same bloody title and a disturbing similarity in cover... the contents are not a HUGE variety but often I don't want them to be. although it would be nice if the heroine wasn't like... you know... a variation on the shades of BLOND! I know the concensus is on that Arabs only exchange their camels for buxome blonds but A) That is bulshit on many levels least of which is that racist stereotype issue I am tired of covering B) Even Loreal runs out of fair shades eventually C) SHUT UP!

Anyway - I organized my Sheikhy pile (L...LOL?... don't kill me!) and the two volumes at the top happen to feature Swarthy Al ScruffHair Ibn ManBoob fondling a Rapturous blond with dainty ears.

The titels as you can see are very inventive:



Let us begin with Lynne Graham's THE DESERT SHEIKH'S CAPTIVE WIFE. Featuring Tilda the Platinum Blond and Prince Rashad of Bakhar... don't look for these places on the map - they are usually made up. YOU WOULDN'T BELIVE HOW MANY LITTLE KINGDOM THERE ARE IN THE MIDDLE EAST... or how much oil they each have... or camels... NEVER FORGET THE CAMELS!!! they are what makes a Sheikh Romance what it is!

So anyway - In the past we learn Tilda was forced to work in a seedy bar for rich kids as a waitress. Her step dad who ran it was a bully who terrorise the entire family. Rashad sees Tilda and loves her attitude of not-wanting-to-date-the-clients. He developes great respect for her even though he sees her dancing half naked in the cage (his rich milionare friends ask her step-dad and he makes her) she eventually sucumb to his gentle ways and agrees to go out with him but refuses sleeping with him. One night she sees him kissing another girl and heart broken she never speaks to him again.

5 years later she is an accountant. Her mum is now divorced although her ex husband extorts money from her and terrorise her to the point she can't leave the house for agoraphobia. It turns out that whilst Tilda was frolicking with Rashad, her mum asked him to help her cover the debt incured by her then husband and he loans her fuck-loads of money. After Tilda leaves him he agrees to buy the house and rent it to her mum... but she never paid any rent because all her money still goes to the ex...

Tida just finds out when her mum and her 3 siblings are about to be evicted so she is off to plead with Rashad.

Rashad in the meantime has issues of his own. His dad is adamant that he would get married. He shags too many babes you see? After successfully rescuing his kingdom from his Evil Uncle clutches he is very popular but his dad wants him to settle down. He tells him he can marry anyone he wants EVEN A FOREIGNER!!!

Rashad perks up at this and decides to enact a revenge. REVENGE!!! Against the woman who dared to leave him after sleeping with every other man in the entire world but him...

The woman now sprawled before him begging to be saved from destitute telling him lies about how hard her life is, evil step dads, ill mothers. He has evidence she is a manipulative shrew...

Which is odd because we can see down her pants and we KNOW she is a vergin and an honest girl despite her preposterous mass of crazy-arse silvery blond curls.

Which by the way never stop misbehaving, escaping mischiviously all over the place and finding their way into tantalising places... almost like tentacles I SWEAR!

He offers her a deal - he will write off the debt if she will come back with him to his desert palace and become his concubine... she protests ... for the best part of ten seconds before accepting the position of a proffesional bimbo.

Off they go to the desert in a swish airplane. Landing they are confronted by gossiping officials who demand to see her visa.

Rahsad goes all: "HOW DARE YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? THIS IS MY WOMAN!"

So they let her in and they all run chattering to the king.

As Rashad sets to the task of ripping off her clothes and shagging her through the matress there are suddenly sounds of war airplanes and helicopters and the fucking prime minister walks into their room shouting. "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE!"

So it turns that according to ancient desert laws of this particular kingdom. Once the king or a prince declare a woman publically to be his woman - she is legally his wife... LOLNESS!! Apparently one of the grandadies was a bit of a feisty rapy McKidnapy kind of Sheikh and in order to stop a scandal they forced the poor woman to marry him... OH THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER YES!

Anyway - they are all married like and there is a big wedding and Rashad suddenly is all intent on being a decent human being because marriage vows and stuff (wow - that REALLY worked with my marriage of course it did WOT?!!!) and then the wedding night happens and PADOOF! He discovers she is a VIRGIN!

This is because of that unique position of the hymen in romance novels being sort of 7 inch INSIDE instead of like... outside like all us human ladies (and also mostly gone by the age of 18 due to use like... moving and not sitting around knitting and looking frail y'know... women these days are TOTES to mobile!) And thus the average romance cock being 9 inches and upwards and also equipped with a pair of night vision goggles get stuck in this powerful membrane and had to forcefully fight its way the last two inches or so... apparently.

End of Romance Biology lesson.

Tilda bleeds away in an I TOLD YOU SO way and he is so full of shame ... he goes to have a shower.

WAY TO BE ROMANTIC MR. SHEIKH!

Whilst he showers she is off to ramage in his desk and finds the false report about her million of lovers and sobbing in shame she runs off to her mummy back in England.

But Rashad is already there... sTILL DRIPPING FROM HIS SHOWER... in a great fit of WTF! I AM A SHEIKH - I CAN BEND TIME TO MY WILL USING A COUPLE OF CAMELS AND MY COCK!

So eventually everyone makes up appart from step-dad who materialise somewhere to black mail her mostly because there is an unwritten rule somewhere saying that an M&B should be 186 pages exactly and they needed to pad up 10 pages. This is solved by Rashad now being all manly and protective telling him to stop ... so he does... exciting conclusion.

Tilda is knocked up of course because she is as fertile as her curly hair suggests. And they all live happily ever after apparently.


Second book bears the imaginative title: THE SHEIKH'S UNWILLING WIFE by Sharon Kendrick... you can totally see how unwilling she is in the picture!

Actually it looks like she is trying to eat his brains and he is pushing it away but HAH! You wish it would be THAT surprising... nonono... this is Mills and Boon and we are NOT doing anything too exciting today.

Heroine is Alexa and the most important thing about her is that she is a STRAWBERRY blond ok? Let us not forget this. The Sheikh in question is Giovanni... errrr.. all... right... WHAT?

YES - this is the main problem with this novel. It isn't actually a SHEIKH novel. Giovanni is, you see, and Italian millionare who suddenly finds out he is the second son of the Sheikh of Kharastan... another oil rich fantasy land methink. So this is really and ITALIAN MILLIONARE novel pretending to be all desrty and stuff.

In truth there is not much difference between Sheikh romances and the many other Darky Dark Foreiner novels (Italians are millionates, Greeks are BILionairs, Spaniards are Passhionate, and Frenchmen are seductive... and there was never one about Israelies so I will just fill the gap here and tell you that Israelies are loud-mouth-Pain-in-the-arse... that goes regardless of religion ok?) All of those in brackets are FORCEFUL.

So that was my disapointment but I thought - HEY! I love them all ... I shall continue reading and enjoy it despite really not wanting too... and it works! Bloody Cheating Sheikh romance in disguise!

Righty-ho: Lexa and Giovanni are married and seperated. Giovanni apparently fell for her as she worked in his department store in Naples. No one ever heard of Loreal in Italy so they were all totally captivated by her blondness which spoke INNOCENCE to them. Alexa had sex only once in her life and it was a bit shit so she doesn't want to talk about it. Giovanni also never asks because Blond and Bimbo do not EVER associate in his Italian brain. He instantly assumes she is an angel and marries her... only to discover 7 inches in that OH NOES! Her Hymen has gone walkies AGES AGO... she isn't a virgin therefore she is a WHORE.

Their marriage falls appart mostly because he starts harassing her about looking at other men. She doesn't actually but he is a dick and a douchebag and he keeps accusing her of sleeping with everything in sight... with the butler, with the dog, with the birds in the park, WITH THE POTTED PLANT... all this whilst getting into her 3 times a day and taking her to heaven a back. Nailed through the floor as she is and breathless from over-orgasm she still manages to make her escape.

She give birth to his son in secret and settles to a calm life in a sea-side village in the South West of England selling sexy underwear to rich fishermen... apparently.

And then Giovanni finds out he is actually half Arab and his half French Half Brother (are we following this?) is getting married in Kharastan and he needs to attend the marriage but he doesn't want to be alone amongst the dunew with only camels for company so he must go seek his estranged wife for shagging purposes.

Naturally he is not pleased to discover he has a 5 year old son he knew nothing about so he uses his Italian aura to totally cloud the mind of a single mother (and let me tell you, a single mother is a SHARP thing who usually gets a lawyer and doesn't let anyone no matter HOW good in bed, mess her with bulshit where her children are concerned) and threaten to take her son away from her if she doesn't come with him and play the willing matress...

RIGHT.

I enjoyed this novel but this clearly hit a nerve because HOW STUPID CAN A WOMAN BE. Let me state from personal experience as a single mum living ON BENEFITS in the South West of England just HOW impossible it is for a man NO MATTER HOW RICH to take a child away from the mother who raised him single handedly after running off due to unreasonable behaviour. If she wanted to - she could get sole custody in the blink of an eye. If she is on benefits she get legal aid for FREE and if she works this prcedure is within her means... TOTALLY! The best the fucktard can hope for is some visiting time IN ENGLAND. The minute he takes the child out of the country without his mother's consent (and 5 years seperation IS legal seperation for AT LEAST 3 years which IS like a divorce just without the paperwork) it is kidnapping and all hell breaks lose... He does that and get caught. The child will be taken from him and he can wave bye-bye to EVER seeing him again. So empty threat is EMPTY!

So...

She is an idiot for actually believing him and going along with his blackmail. From this point on I just didn't really give a shit about her. Sorry.

But you know. Fair is fair. There wouldn't BE a novel if she actually rang her lawyer and showed her ex the finger.

They tell the boy Giovanni is his daddy. The boy is happy. Alexa is horny despite herself and she tries her best to sleep on the divan in her son's room only Giovanny walks in naked and before she can help herself she is humping his leg.

They smex the night away and then Giovanni start thinking that maybe he is a bit of an arse and tries to behave. Now when she goes to sleep in another room he doesn't wake her up for a shag and she mopes about him losing interest.

EVENTUALLY after they go back to his villa and they both tip toe dorkily around each other. She sits in the library when an old photo album falls on her head. In it are photographs of Giovanni as a child with his mother. In each photo he looks sad and his mum holds the hand of a different man...

OH GIOVANNI NOW WE KNOW WHY YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A FUCK-ARSED MONKEY SHIT!!!

And we so totally don't care.

But of course Alexa does so she flies into his arms sobbing and he appologize and she says sorry and their little boy dances in happiness and they somehow live happily ever after ...

Yay! .... I guess.

Did you enjoy it? DID THE EARTH MOVE FOR YOU???

I am certainly having great fun reading these although I am still waiting for that proper Sheikhy feeling (LOOOOOOOOOOOOL again... *sobs*) which seem to be missing so far.

Stay tuned for maybe more Sheikhs perhaps I dunno if I have the time and arse...

Lamasu reading books so you won't have to...

Over and out.

Today at Skyrim I mostly resisted arrest after getting pissed drunk in Markath and totally accidentally pick-pocketting someone elses carrot... WHY WOULD ANYONE KEEP A CARROT IN THEIR POCKETS FFS??? ended up legging it to Whiterun where I got drunk again... woke up in a field... went BACK to Whiterun and got arrested. I DON'T EVEN KNOW FOR WHAT!

Like that time in Oblivion when Father watchemicallit told me to take his horse and the next thing I know half of the guards in Bravil are chasing me down for a horse-thief... WHAT?

So, anyway, I was like thrown in some random jail and told to mine silver... "FUCKIT!" I said to myself and pickpocketed the guy next to me... he had a shiv so out of boredome I kinda... murdered him.... WELL THAT IS A GOOD START! I AM SO TOTALLY REFORMING ALREADY! THE SYSTEM WORKS!!!

... so I thoguht... "HEEEEY I can totally increase my sneak skill in here and went on murdering all the prisoners by stabbing them in the back stealthily ... the guard kept on going... "heh... what a waste!". and picking his nose.

I was all alone now in prison with this guard who kept telling me to dig... I kinda liked him for some reason so I let him live and just stole his key and walked out...

In a pub in solitude right now. Hasn't had a shower in a month. Person next to me keep telling me I need to put on some clothes.

There is a bounty on my head in 4 provinces already mate. DON'T TEMPT ME TO MAKE IT 5!!!

On a plus side, as a friend told me last night when I drunkenly worbled about how I keep getting into trouble without actually TRYING to be naughty, getting a 1000 gold bounty in your head in all 5 provinces is an achievement.

Not long before I unlock that one ... I am down my 13th Nord meade bottle and the drunk singing in the corner is beginig to get on my nerves...

Seriously children... try not to play Elder Scroll games after midnight after you drunk half a bottle of Soju on your own (whilst on SNRIs, Beta Blockers and Benzodiazipines) ...

Last time I did this I ended up making a pact with Werewolves and slaughtering all the wood-elves in Dragon Age Origins...

Oh and just before you ask - you silly geese - the children were at their dad... That is the only time I let myself titter on the verge of self destruction and allow the elf to roam nakedly ASBO style in the blizzards amongst the nords...

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! >:D

The good place where medicine meets virtual worlds.

So halo and welcome to my end of the year and thanks fuck that THIS year is coming to an end. The only good thing I can say about it is that I survived it in some pieces... and I guess that I learned a lesson or two.

It might in actuality be a good year but GOOD is something that Lamasu's brain wasn't able to process CHEMICALLY as in ... brain being short of one or two neurotranmitters... a condition now being remedied as I mentioned before. Good seem to exist behind an invisible wall. I KNOW it is there, I can SEE it is there but I can't quite FEEL it yet ... but I am getting there.

For the last three months in which I battled against a failing heart, rising blood pressure and that grayness that is the inability to master more than hours of staring at the walls and wanting to shut the world away, my mother was here. Which was good because once I started taking meds I inevitably got massively sick.

The bad side was that very predictably I was succeptible to many temporary side effects. BIG changes in my brain from YEARS of low to NIL serotonin and Noradrenalin to half the normal levels made me hug the toilet for hours and then there was the fun of dilated pupils and loss of apettite.

The good side is that UNpredictably I also responded favourably to the medicine twice as fast and at half the dose. So... can't read yet, can't even CONTEMPLATE writing much, not even blogging comes easy any more but able to think clearly. Able to enjoy cooking. Able to sit and watch Korean drama without fidgeting and actually FEEL the beauty of Takarazuka ... a lack that devestated and SCARED me half to death.

It is still a struggle but I also started CBT and I LOVE my therapist she is cool and merciless and is just what I need in these days. We are mostly trying to get the OCD under control so I actually have some time during the day to deal with the OTHER issues.

Fingers crossed. There is a lot going on uder the surface. It has been going on for YEARS and only the big upheaval (which is ... I can SEE beyond that invisible wall... mostly for the BETTER) has caused it all to erupt ALL AT ONCE. Not nice when your doctors says things like: "I think we should not put you on tricyclics this time because there is more potential for self-harm with those" and when sexy pharmacist goes: "you are not staying alone these days are you? because someone should make sure you are ok ..."

And the only reason I didn't pounce him there and then to show him his words can have OTHER meaning is that the SNRIs lower my sex drive to absolute zero (including the inability to treat myself to orgazms... TMI ... I KNOW YOU ALL WANT TO HEAR HOW I FOUND THAT OUT... and I wish sexy pharmacist was involved but... no chance XD hint - I didn't have sex for two years BEFORE my husband left and the internet is a great source of sex toys... oh wait... that is... the whole story...errr....XD).

So.

I know.

I will be fine.

Been here before.

Meds and therapy - they take time but they WORK.

One of the signs that things are working is my growing back my balls:

It has been a year since Raphael's teeth problem started. One tooth in particular is causing massive amount of troubles and requiring endless amounts of antibiotics. Which isn't good. I begged and begged to have it removed but was refused. Eventually we got reffered to the local NHS access dentists who took one look in his mouth and declared he needs to have 8 teeth removed BY GENERAL ANAESTHETIC... by this time I was gone and FINISHED... couldn't think couldn't sleep, couldn't sit, couldn't walk, could hardly talk... if you have a passport to the land of clinical depression you know how tough it is to just ... BE.

So I didn't argue.

Then JUST before the operation Raphael had a big asthma attack and I have to say - I have NEVER been more grateful for an illness taking a turn to the WORSE before. Because it was perfect timing.

He started on a course of steroids that made it impossible for him to get a general anaesthetic. His operation was put back 3 weeks.

Just enough time for MY meds to kick in...

I started taking Duloxetine and the fog started to lift.

Two weeks under the blessing on SNRIs, 3 kilos thinner and with pupils of an owl on a hunt, that invisible wall between me and my feelings was thinner and LO - I could think.

And the think that I thought was: "this doesn't seem right... 8 molars out... REALLY?"

Then I realised I have just enough saving to go to a private dentist and that is what I did.

Up the road from us lives and works a most awesome dental surgeoun. Raphael eyed him suspiciously for two minutes before going: "SQUEE! you have funny lights on your face!" and the dentist went: "Yes. That is because I am really an ASTRONAUT and LOOK I can also JUGGLE!"

At which point Raphael let him scramble in his mouth and poke him and lecture him about sweets and cavities and smack his mother for not brushing her son's teeth properly (I THOUGHT I DIIIIIIIID !!!! ;___;).

Then he turned to me... after he stopped smacking me... and said : "nothing to worry about - just a very simple extraction and only 5 simple fillings... all can be done for this rather reasonable price of... wait... is ... is that fire you are breathing in the direction of the NHS access dentists?"

So yes - they were going to remove 8 molars when only one needed removing... under GENERAL where only a LOCAL was required and... oh yeah... TWO OF THESE TEETH ARE PERFECTLY FINE!!!! >:(

I am rather unimpressed to say the least.

But relieved.

And the amazing thing is that the ex agreed to pay half the dental costs. WOW! Miracles happen.

The other sign that SNRIs are the new love of my life is that I have enjoyed. ENJOYED!!! :D:D:D hours of SKYRIM.

So far my elf ... which I haphazardly threw together and thus ended up looking like a bit of an anorexic deranged psycho... has braved the creul climate of the land of the nords (who seem to all walk around speaking like a REALLY BAD ABBA IMPERSONATORS!!!) ... BUTT NAKED!

I find it amusing how disturbing his nakedness is to the dwellers of skyrim. Old ladies cower in shadows begging me to get dressed. Children point at me in the streets. Men warn me against the chill... appart from the ones telling me about arrows in their knees (which by the way is getting out of control - STOPR IT INTERNET ... just... STOP!!!)... I really can't give a fuck about people knees and the arrows taken therin... talk about my cock or don't talk to me at all and by cock I do NOT mean the one that crows in the morning....

....


Although if mine crowed in the morning that would be awesome... disturbing... but AWESOME!

Some lady in Solitude came to me and shouted: "STOP WAVING THAT THING IN MY FACE" ... and I went: " I beg your pardon I never seath my penis - not ever! Not on the highest peak of Skyrim as I houl triamphantly against the raging blizzards... oh... you... you mean my sword... sure baby... no problem... what do you think about my penis?"

And she didn't answer but went in the pub and had some beer.

NORDS!

Speaking yet again on arrows and knees they like to meet: Raphael wrote a story called : "I took and arrow to the KEY!" Gabriel read it and said: "it is great but shouldn't that be 'I took an arrow to the KNEE?'" "Nooooo!" said his little brother, "Because an arrow to the knee would hurt a lot!"

DUH!

my strategy so far as a filthy FILTHY naked elf (and I stood under waterfalls in the hope that I get clean actually) is to sneak around naked aimlessly and stab things willy nilly in the back with one hand whilst also frying them with fire from close range and then shouting myself out of the room before they realised what smelly thing killed them...

IT IS FUN! >:D

And in conclusion:

I used to be Oy-Vey the Naked Elf... until I took an arrow to the knee... then I took the arrow out, rested for an hour and kept being Oy-Vey the Naked Elf...

Incidentally - WHY AREN'T THERE ANY MELONS IN SKYRIM???

I do buy books JUST for their cover!



Should be obvious really...on more than one level...

I know, I know... in my dreams right? YES! IN MY DREAMS.

Anyway - in a bid to use my blog more along the line of the Face-Palm/Book (of which many people have a rightful aversion to and I confess I sympathise... yet still use like the internet whore that I am), here is a pointless post from the bed of the physically and mentally ill.

PARK SHI HOO ACCESPTS NO FAILURE!



From Queen Of Reversals which half way along is still more or less boring me... if Park Shi Hoo wasn't walking across the screen panther-like looking better than anyone else in the universe in an open neck white shirt (serioulsy - I am an avid drooler-over-GQ, NO ONE DOES LOOKING SEXY IN A WHITE SHIRT BETTER!!!) I would have given the whole thing up at episode 3...

Also his secretary - seen here as a blurry portion of a man at front-screen, is a fabulous example of a Korean Snarky Butler type and I totally want to be him. This is that scene when Park Shi Hoo is dying of a flu... apparently because he caught a chill zooming on his bike without a scarf... heh... but ok.

If I was indeed the secretary the whole thing would go: "sir- I brought you theses sleeping pills... errr.... I mean COLD MEDICINE, take them please... I will just go... and lurk in the corner for a bit." And then when he passes out on his plush swivle chair I would have my wicked way with him >:D.

All immoral and lusty thoughts aside...

I still maintain that the scene in ILJIMAE in which he took his hanbok off and went mano-a-mano with Lee Jun ki is one of the happiest moment in my life...

Oh wait...

That was a lusty thought too...

Lifesise - stuff happens. But I don't feel like aknowledging it right now.

I also don't think that I can maintain small and inane posts like this for long.

BUT I AM CERTAINLY GOING TO TRY!!! ^^;;.

This shall be a short post filled with images that has slowly gathered over ub Facebook as the mayhem in my life gathers force and threatens to tip me over the edge.

Shot and shorter:

Got no bathroom for a week now, been spongebathing in my bedroom but I feel greasy.

Had an interview with the Single Parents Advisor at the Job Center who told me I will not need to work in the supermarket especially since I am now on a CBT waiting list officially... one of those cases when I am not classed as disabled but has a doctor permission not to work... which oddly resulted in my hugging my benefit officer feet begging for her TO GIVE ME A DAMN JOB AND GET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE I JUMP OFF A CLIFF!!!

Been hunting for some charity work to do, some courses to take part in, SOMETHING... in between picking curtains and bashing my head against the wall to stop myself feeling that doom is approaching.

Step Dad materialised and started filling holes in the walls, futting handles on door, light shades on exposed lightbulbs, curtains on windows... ALL THINGS I NEVER HAD... the work is endless and he is on full steam, everything is slowly turning to how it SHOULD have always been.

Been on a Rainy Spree... that would be the Korean Actor not the British weather... which is foul but that is no news. Slowly going through every drama he ever made and so far can conclude that FULL HOUSE was adorable, SANG DO was brilliant until 3 episodes from the end when it suddenly committed suicide by becoming really stupid and accidentally dipping its own head in boiling oil and then stabbing itself in the abdomen stupidly... I discredit that ending as well... WTF. But at least Rain took his shirt off and got in the shower at least once an episode - so HEY - all good. A LOVE TO KILL was really annoying only salvaged occasionally by the semi naked Rain trick... it is a good thing everyone died eventually because I was going to kill everyone myself.

Gaming wise I would be torn between Assassin's Creed Revelation and Uncharted 3... if not for the timely arrival of SKYRIM that will be eating my life the moment I let it do so... so far I am trying to survive without a shower, with noise and upheaval and strangers in all the rooms of the house... good thing the family is here... my step dad is an expert at plying me with whiskey at JUST the moment of the day when I am about to keel over and face carpet... if I had any carpet that is... ¬_¬.

And in picture my life can be summed in these ways:

( Kimbap doesn't taste like Sushi - I shall send my boob ninjas to dispatch you - I see rainbows everywhere )

Oh Rain! You sexy hot hunk of manflesh you! I want to be Lee Jun Ki and have the mad crazy gay monkey sex with you!

And with that disturbing thought I shall leave you all and go shiver in the corner until my shower is installed... at which point I plan to go into it and not leave it for days!!! DAYS I TELL YA! DAAAAAAAYS!!!!

Oh Wells... How I LOVE THEE... LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...

But how do you count to minus one hundred FFS???!!!

And that would be me painting my hate seven shades of pink and pretending it is a fluffy bunny. If not for the shiny charity shops loot and the very useful market of useless stuff I probably wouldn't bother setting foot there.

I could write an Ode of HATE to that city... and please pronounce it the way the Korean/Japanese pronounce CITY (heh >:D) because that would be appropriate. And that ode shall begin with the words: "OH WELLS! HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE BATH...AND HOW HARD YOU FAIL!"

Because Bath = Posh town full of interesting shops and friendly people. Wells = Faux Posh place full of mildly convenient shops and rude, biggoted ex-mother-in-law clones...

And I shall title my Ode : The Town that calls itself a City and ends up as FAIL... or simply THE TOWN OF FAIL.

Yes - rantly McRanting I go. That is how deep my loathing seeps into every fibre of my soul. MEH upon you Wells and even MEEP. Today you insulted my mother. Fuck you in the ear with a rusty spork!

And in conclusion - GAH!

But we do not conclude yet because you will now get the full details of the sheer level of idiotic, dumb, mind numbingly STUPID ... preceded by a short and snappy... errrr... probably lengthy re-cap of the last few days.

BUT FIRST!!!

Today I walked into a toy shop with my mum and bought a chibi plastic Korean Pop Band I call: Are You Happy? No! I'm GAY!" short for : "Happy-Happy Rainbow SQUEE!"

Actually that isn't much shorter but ... you get the point... well... you probably don't get the point but... never mind... erk!

Anyhoo - BEHOLD! PLASTIC KOREAN BOY BAAAAAAAAAND!



From the right: Kim Jun-Pyo (stage name -SWISH) , Choi Mu-Gyul (stage name - BISH), Noh Shin-Woo (Stage name - DISH) and Lee Seung-Ho (stage name - SHEESH).

And yes -I did just let my brain spew these names randomly. I am assuming they stuck there from a plethora of k-dramas and Manhwa I came across . I am a dork enough and checked on the internet to see they are actual... y'know ... NAMES and not some combinations of sounds that vaguely sound Korean...It did take up a whole 5 minutes of my life so give me some slack ^^;;.

I am tempted to go for a band name comprised of English letter lumped together for the sake of cool... such as Dong Bang Shin Ki => DBSK or something made of the first letter of the band stage names thus making my band SBDS (which disturbingly sounds like some itching condition of the crotch - ACK!) and have their fangirls scream "SWISH-BISH-DISH-SHEESH!!! SARANGHEYOOOOOOO!!!! and throw roses and bras at them.... but y'know... this might not happen...

Seeing as they are made of plastic and ... stuff... not that I want to state the obvious or anything...¬_¬.

Oh and yeah - I am well aware that this is not a realistic Korean Boy Band (aside from them being really small and like... made of plastic!) I mean, FFS! THERE ARE ONLY 4 OF THEM!!!! It leaves room for expansion you see. We are still auditioning for member no. 5 which will make it the minimum requierment for k-pop boy band. I have a vision expanding it to, like, SUPER JUNIOR size with millions and millions of them - A SEA OF YOUNG KOREAN MEN!!!

Anyway - I bought this at the end of two days of constantly being harrassed by idiots. I decided to show Wells that it has the GAY. Even if they keep staring at me in shops whispering really loudly that the refined city is really going down now the LESBIANS ARE TAKING OVER. (LESBIAN TAKE-OVAA MIDAAAAA!) Because you know - I wear a suit - must be a lesbian ... fine because HEY! I am married to Ranju Tomu (in my dreams) seen above residing over my Korean boy band ^_^v.

Also it must be said for LOL value that the comment about how I, who is arrogant enough to realise that I might not be pretty but I am as elegant as all hell goes FUCK-YOU, am bringing down the level of refinement of said not-so-fair city, was infact uttered by a couple of scruffy, unkempt saggy old bags in desperate need of a shower kthx - I NOTICE THESE THINGS!!!

Up until today all things progressed fairly decently. Half term holiday rolled lazily with the children geeking around with MY mum spoiling us rotten with cups of tea and moments of pleasant insanity. Her presence alone make me relaxed enough so I don't feel so horribly sick all the time. I also believe that the Beta Blockers are finally reaching a certain agreement with my body in which they don't fuck it up so badly I can't find my brain in the morning.

The Weekend passed with us amusing ourselves with the original Sims game. Rapahel started playing it and surprisingly does NOT have a house full of 8 of the same kind of guy all peeing on the floor and sobbing their eyes out... that was Gabriel's speciality at the age of five. Raphael goes for the strategy of stroking every rabid cat in the neighborhood thus making his sim socially satisfied ... I wish this worked in real life...

On Monday I took Gabriel to the Optician to see why his eyes hurt every evening. The optician kept checking him and checking him and CHECKING him going... "This is strange. You have two different eyes! This is pretty rare!" At which point Gabriel started having a panic attack and I burst into laughter (after smacking the optician) and went: "Oh right. You mean - he is short sighted in one eye and long sighted in the other?" and he was all like: "OUCH! Wow! How did you know?" And I smacked him again and said: "Stop scaring my son! My eyes are just like that! Lemme guess - he has astigmatism too!" And the optition rubbed his aching head and said: "AMAZING! How did you know about the sacred word ASTIGMATISM! LET ME WORSHIP YOU!!!" And prescribed Gabriel some glasses. And then we chose some frames that makes him look bishi and dishi and swishi and UBER inteligent.

And yes it went EXACTLY like that....

.....

Appart from the bit about the smacking...

And the worshipping of me...

Which TOTES should have happened dammit because I am so fucking elegant.

PROOF!!!

The day after the day after that - TWO ugly bitches were utterly unpleasant to me for no apparent reason beside the fact that I was simply in a better state of repair. (which considering the circumstances is a bit... sad!) I KNOW WHEN THAT IS!

1) When I stand in the supermarket checking eggs and you shout at me for blocking your way to the coffee WHICH IS ON THE OTHER SHELF AWAY FROM US... I am not REALLY blocking your way. I am just better looking and you know it - FFS! COMB YOUR HAIR AND SORT OUT YOUR MAKE UP!

2) When I walk by you and say thank you for making way and you snort loudly and say in a really nasty voice : "NO! Thank YOU!!" It isn't because =I= am rude - it is because YOU are ugly... so don't burst into tears when I turn around and say: "I take it back. I am not thankful - YOU ARE UGLY!" and don't be surprised if everyone in the street point at you and laugh because - you were rude and UGLY and I am a bitch... an ELEGANT bitch but a bitch none the less... and a bitch in a bad mood... GRRRRR...

The ex came to pick the children up for the remainer of the holiday last night. We kept schtoom about the many builders and experts who have swarmed this place for a few days condemning almost EVERYTHING as unsafe and even dangerous. This by the way AFTER I already told them I want both the bathroom and the kitchen RIPPED OUT and replaced so they didn't have any incentive to lie to me. The gist is that my toilet is illegaly installed, there is unhygenic moss growing in my kitchen, dangerous placements of tiles in ... EVERYWHERE... shoddy work and DREADFUL living conditions. One of the surveyours told me that if I didn't take steps to replace everything he would reccomend me to move into a hotel RIGHT NOW... yeah... great.

The ex already expressed his sentiments with the immortal words: "for you a house is a home but for me a house is just a roof over head and I don't want to spend money on making it looking pretty." And that is why I live in a hazard zone. YAY!... not!

One thing is for sure - he will find a way to NOT pay for half of the repairs and I can't be arsed with his fuss - eventually my lawyer will do the arguing in court when the time comes to sell the house. For now - I have savings and a mother to take loans from and I need to live like a human being... possibly for the first time in AT LEAST 10 years.

So we zipped and said zilch!

Last night I was an idiot and got so engrossed in watching Takarazuka with my mum (who concluded I should keep the monstrous FUGLY wardrobes in my bedroom just so Haruno Sumire can come out of them... yes...we were watching Hanagumi 2003 Elisabeth XD). So as you probably realised or SHOULD realise - my mum is made of AWSOME and WIN and I am not quite sure how I held together before she came here because she not only makes me breath easily - she also makes life a hell of a lot of fun...

And then I forgot to take my beta blockers. I had nightmares all night and woke up in the morning with stupidly high blood pressure feeling sick to the bone. It all settled once I took my medicine but it didn't make a very good start for the day...

And so today Wells defeated our sense of fun... well... ALMOST. You can't really bring my mum down but when you TRY -I will be hunting you down like the vermin you are! My mum is a no-go area. You can treat ME like shit, I might deserve it with my IN YOUR FACE attitude and my big muthafucka mouth but my mum is lovely and doesn't deserve rude arses. END OF STORY.

She was a bit disconcerted by the way people stared at me in blatant opened mouthed shock every time I walked into a shop. If I walked in in a bikini no one would have kicked a fuss but NO! A ... a... a THING in suit with blended eye shadow? Is it a man? Is it a woman? Whatever it is - it clearly isn't RIGHT ... not in our town!

let me make it clear - I have an almost identical face to my mum... but you know... she is bleeched blond and I wear a tie so clearly we can't be ralated by blood... which leaves the only other possibility - MUST BE LESBIANS! BEGONE FROM HERE! Only... they clearly have money so sell them whatever they won't but just... DON'T SMILE! DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT! (They might rape your saggy baggy smelly arse!) And see here? They are three sades darker than the average old-hag here and if you consult the Dulux Race Chart - that means they are MUSLIM... WHICH IS ALMOST AS BAD AS LESBIANS...

By the way darlings - I am being sarky - I know I must say this because the internet is full of people who like to blow their top over stuff taken out of context. So let me say this here: Lesbians Muslims are WONDERFUL and COOL... almost as much as Lesbian Pirates which are still one of the best things life has to offer.

Now we cleared this up let reach the pinacle of today's tale of woe...

The pinacle of this day of Fuck-tardity and Arse-Hattery was the lady in one particular charity shop. As I stood waiting for her to figure out how much 5 M&Bs of 75p + 1 M&B of £1 make (hint - the till calculates this quite easily) my mum spotted a 4 CD compilations of oldies music and she made one of those small cute happy sounds that is really unique to her and very VERY adorable. The lady finally keyed in the proper amount and took my money and she glared at my mum and went: "WHAT?" So my mum being the fluffy lovely person she is and didn't realise how rude the hag's voice was, said happily: "This reminds me of being 40 years younger". The hag glared at her and said through clenched teeth: "Why? Where you born 40 years ago?" My mum beamed and said: "Thank you for the complement - I am actually 61" to which the hag shouted... SHOUTED ladies and gentlemen : "WELL I AM NOT A BITCH!"

My mum blinked.

I snorted and went in Hebrew : "OH YES YOU ARE COW!!!"

The hag stormed off in a huff.

I waved and called after her to go shit in the sea in Yiddish with big rictus-like smile.

My mum blinked again.

Now here is a task for you my fops, onions and minions. Try to answer the question: What the fuckety fucken FUCK just happened here?

Because we can't really figure this out on our own. Our nearset guess is that my mum is 61 but looks 50 and the hag is 50 but looks 71. Hence hatered for my beautiful mum and her CLEARLY rent-girl... because what else can I be... I WEAR A NECKTIE!

We gave up on Wells but decided NOT to go directly home but seek some soul healing in my town of Glasto... full of freaks and geeks.

And it worked. Within half an hour a guy in a builders hat jumped at us bellowing - "I KNOW YOU! YOU ARE SPANISH!!!" to which we said: "no ... errr... Israeli actually" "FABULOUS!" he shook our hands and stormed out of the crystal shop hands full of rose quartz... this town is indeed sureal.

A moment later a gentle looking lady introduced herself as THE JEWISH MEDIUM which is an utterly delicious concept... especially since she confessed to have once worked in Israel with computers... New Age Geeks - we have many of them here v^_^v.

then we hunted for a CHALLICE WELL pendant. The reasons for which will be revealed eventually when I have time to review a duo of UTTERLY FABULOUS Mills and Boon novels which I LUUUUUUUUUURV so much they might have to move from the M&B shelving unit and reside on the shelf of love in my bedroom.

It was all sealed with a trip back to a crystal shop where a beautiful hippy girls with gorgeous dread-locks (and who smelled lovely - did I mention I NOTICE THESE THINGS?) was helping me choose a silver chain for said pendant. We had a great moment of: "let me make it shiny for you!" "No, it is ok, it is already shiny!" "NoNo! I can make it more shiny! *scrub scrub* LOOK! SO SHINY!!!" "YAY! SHINY!!!" :D:D:D.

At which point I realised her mannerism reminds me of another friend... tall... a bit of a hippie! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE :D:D:D.

So in conclusion:

Wells: BAD!

Glastonbury: YUM!

I think I will stay here for a bit.

And now I shall leave you with a mystery and a youtube vid.

THE MYSTERY: Why is it that every time I listen to a 2PM song someone or SOMETHING interferes? I mean I can summon the postman bearing a parcel by just putting "I'll Be Back!" on my MP3 player! TRUFAX!!! I swear it so, so help me Taecyeon and his seductive ears! *eats them*.

THE CLIP: 2PM (like -DUH! I just talked about them clearly I need to demonstrate) singing in Japanese here as things happen ... that would be a Korean Boy Band... doing GENIUS stuff like Rhyming the Japanese :"Kimi no Tameni" with the English: "You Can Rely On Me"... and by GENIUS I actually mean DUMB! One gets used to this with k & J pop though ... really... after a while your brain adjusts and stop hurting... and besides... HEEEEEY this video is like a big GQ Orgy of pretty bouncy Korean Manflesh... who gives a shit about poetic metre and shiznit-stuffy-mijig!



And now I go to bed with the latest copy of Takarazuka Graph and a pile of M&Bs ... and my budding plastic K-Boy-Band SBDS... if any record lable want to contact me... you know... stuff...

Ack! Life keeps happening and sadly it keeps coming down with shit like you wouldn't believe. Most of it of a nature I rather leave out of the public eye since much of it is premature speculations of upcoming POSSIBLE shit like you wouldn't believe.

The LEAST of my problems right now is learning to accept that I am not as healthy as I once was. Nothing that would kill me mind you, especially now that I am on (rather mild doses) medication. I like to dish out the drama though so I find it entertaining to go flailing into a room and shout: "WOW! GUESS WHAT! I HAVE A HEART CONDITION!!!" and watch everyone go: "OH FUCKINGSHIT OMG! WOT WOT WOT!!!" before I explain that my irregular heart-beat and hypertension are chronic but not actually ...y'know... SERIOUS !!! ^^;;.

I am getting used to the idea of having to take beta-blockers for the rest of my life which bothers me only because I can't drink buckets of coffee anymore and has an alcohol tolerance of an Asian apparently - been quite happy when mistaken for a Chinese man... only I rather have that alcohol tolerance I inherited from my Rassian bloodline XD.

I had just enough chutzpah to ask my doctor if I can go on the piss and she said: "Well... how is your alcohol tolerance?" and I said: "Very high! I have it on good authority ... or... errr... two Japanese old ladies... that I drink like a MAN!" "well," said my doctor, "you don't any longer!" and added: "AHAHAHAHAH!" ... this is Glastonbury - even the NHS is somewhat... warped...

I had a moment there where I decided I am having a bad reaction to my lovely concoction of beta-blockers and Benzodiazipines (which I LOVE by the way - Valium is my friend - fuck everyone who slags it off. It is FLUFFY!)... and then I realised I am actually having my period which is the culprit for making me feel like the world is ending and I am going to DIE! Speaking of the big bad V... I know it can be addictive... I also know I was on MUCHMUCHMUCH higher doses for a longer period of time and when it was time to come off it - I came off it slowly.

Trust me - Quitting smoking was a FUCK LOADS harder!

I noticed TWO things immediately after I stopped being full of dramalama :

1) My hands are steady. No sweaty palms. I CAN PLAY THE FLUTE AGAIN.
2) I sleep through the night. WOW! I don't think I slept through the night for... like... EVER? I think I can get used to this sleeping-properly shit... it makes the whole day brighter ^_^.

Health was also key in determining my fate on Yom Kippur this year. I made bets with various individuals that I WILL manage to fast this years and then my doctor vetoed it. MY DOCTOR HAS MORE POWER THAN GOD (whatever that is) ... fasting is apparently a good way to make myself die right now... well not quite but still a VERY VERY bad idea until my blood pressure stop nudging the 180/90 once a day (FUN!) ... it is currently stable at just under 160...over something less than 90 (apparently THAT is what makes me throw up so violently).

I observed the most holy of days in my own way. It is a day of reflection after all and I reflected. I REFLECTED GOOD. On all the bad things I have done. And I composed an appology before god and his creatures... the first which doesn't actually exist and the later who exist for my platter.

I hereby take this opportunity to appologize for all the bacon I have eaten... and will eat... probably in about 5 minutes time ... with lettuce and tomatoes... and will continue to eat even if it lands me in hell. I am especially begging the forgiveness of all pig-kind for this... but it is THEIR fault really the TEASES because they are so delicious gadnammit. THEY ARE ASKING FOR IT!!! anyway... I am sorry... really... very sorry... and also hungry! Going to eat that BLT sandwish now... in the corner... promise I will feel guilty as I do... bai nao..."

See - I try to be a good Jew... I just... fail. KOSHER-FAIL!!!

With a Kosher-Fail sandwich *om nom nom*.

The other issues we have are numerous and plenty and far too many - things are mostly crumbling around me. Things APPART from my house that is. I am holding together well but the children are taking things a bit roughly. Raphael in particular is very clingy and in need of a perpetual hug and continuous smoochies. BOTH children insist on sleeping in my bed... possibly to keep an eye on me. Abandonment issues galore I suspect. I am not going anywhere though - I don't want to. They are the very rock from which I draw my calm (I think I mixed a couple of metaphors there... somehow... AND THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE AS A RESULT!). We will all go through eventually but it isn't easy.

However. I have stuff to show. And the first of the stuffs is the following:



It is a pile of books that is not of the Mills & Boon variety. Because I read other things too but Sssshhhh don't tell anyone. I am slogging through them slowly. It is the season of S.A.D and with various other factors my concentration is shot... but heh... these are all books I have been MASSIVELY looking forward to reading for AGES... so yay! A shiny pile of SHINY!

And appart from slouching on the sofa and reading I have been wasting my free time productively by watching more Korean Dramas... this time in the company of a tiny little pocket dictionary which allows me to further communicate with the dishy man-flesh spectacle that often parade the screen for my delictation... occasionally without a shirt... often in the shower... MRAWR!

They know their target audience well they do!

I finished watching THE LEGEND which was sad because I love it so much I didn't want it to end. I also finished watching HEARTSTRINGS which was a bit forgettable despite the pleasant music. I would probably not bother mentioning it if not for the following scene from episode 3:



I am a soppy, whimpy, wibbly sap. This type of scene is made for ME! I know people who barf at the schmaltz but HEY - I am a sucker for this kind of stuff... it was in fact the highlight of my series... after that watching 12 more episode was more akin to slogging through trickle than wizzing through crack.

That song is wonderful but that is just as much as I can take of it. The original by Jo Sumi makes me want to slash my wrists even though it is gorgeous. Possibly because I associate this with THE LOST EMPIRE, a series I only seen clips of but do not intend to watch. I don't think I can cope with 124 hours of "Let us examine in excruciating detail just how BAD were the last years of the Joseon Empire"... it is a bit like watching Holocaust movies and I DO NOT watch those... again... that feeling that the nearest resor need to meet my arteries... NOT GOOD!

Currently I am indulging in MYUNG WOL THE SPY which is a crack-fest from the word go... seem to be a mish-mash action and romantic comedy. Was a bit worried that it would degenerate into "lets take the piss out of North Korea"... which fair enough - bad, nasty, awful regime and wotnot ... but a bit of a cheap stab and I tend to be bored of those. So far thogh - the North Korean agents are actually really awesome and kick-arse. I dig that they will probably end up falling in love with the South but at least they are not pure arse-monkeys.

Realism is totally NOT on the producers mind. Everyone keeps going to and fro across the border as though it was a stroll in the park. "oh damn! I forgot to buy the strawberry milk - just wizzing over the DMZ. be back in a jiff." Apparently they all do it via Singapore, as if that makes it easy. Tired of this somewhat annoying dictatorial lifestyle. Take the first plane out of Pyonyang and then it is only a 10 minute walk to Seoul - NO PROBLEM!

Heh ... but y'know... they dish me up with moments like:





AGENT HOTSTUFF COMANDS COMRADE TO GET LAID!!!




COMRADE RATHER BLOW THINGS UP KTHX!!!

I love this woman!

I also want to blow things up... but it is mostly against the law and will land me in a bit of a pickle ... so I refrain.

This was suppose to be a short and snappy entry ... for some reason it... stretched.

Oops!

^^;;.

Quite literally...

Yesterday was head fumigation day. The day we battle the unyealding, rampaging hoards of headlice that dwell in the long tresses of Gabriel's hair... ok...they are not THAT rampaging and they seemed to have given up on taking residence on other people's heads (mostly because the other two people as in - his little brother and his mum have shorty-short-short hair)... followed the soaking of said head in chemicals you wouldn't use on your worst enemies and then rigorous combing you would also not use on your worst enemies (they would probably choose the chemical attack TBH before they are subjected to Evil-Lice-Comb (.tm)), I sent said budding teen to the shower and happily went about preparing a KosherFail dinner.

Bacon, ham and other pig-based culinary delights have been sizzling in the pan when suddenly I head a SPLOOSH and down my kitchen ceiling came a big shower of BATH WATER!

YAY!

Directly over the cereal boxes AND the pile of M&B books what I just finished eating... ¬_¬.

grrrr.....

So yes! I was planning to fix the kitchen next seeing as the place were the old boiler was is now exposed revealing a mangy 1920s carpet and ten layers of curious molds and mosses and a couple of suspicious fungii which I don't even want to guess the nature of... but now... NOW I have to fix my bathroom first.

I love this house but the way it is falling around my ears is slowly robbing me of the will to LIVE. ;_;.

Perhaps this disaster has something to do with the DEVIL. There was a lot of Satan in our lives recently what with me Marathoning seasons 1-5 of Supernatural and doing my best to only read Mills & Boon books with DEVIL or SATAN in their titles... heheh - it was mostly fun but also mind nummingly dull and lacking in... y'know... an actual LUCIFER... but HEY - the disaster resulted in some vaguely entertaining imagery:



Let me try and re-cap these books. I ate them really fast and most of them gave me indigestion... sometimes from laughing at ALL the wrong places which is disturbing mostly because ... well... they are 80s M&Bs and you KNOW you are on shady ground when a rape scene makes you GIGGLE ^^;;.

Devil in Command by Helen Bianchin is very much an old school Rape and Stockholm affair in which prim and proper heroine finds herself at the mercy of Mr. Greek Tycoon... OH GOSH AND GOLLY! isn't M&B-Land swarming with those ... clearly the current Greek economy is in no way indication of the natural prosperity of its individuals because according to the Harlequin Romance logic - every second Greek has millions in the bank and also has a penchant for rape and ... and more rape...

Oh ummm... yeah ... I guess I should advise you that should you be triggered by rape jokes you should probably ... y'know... not read this journal OR any M&B which ARE supposed to be mild but are filled with "forced seduction" which is a politically corret way of saying : "RAPE" kay?

Heroine falls into the clutches of Mr. Rape Tycoon (his new name which I just invented) because her sister has just wrecked his car whilst joy-riding,she can't pay for it for it was plush and shiny so she agrees to marry him to cover this debt and save her sister's arse... personally if I had a sister who stole a car and then rode it without a license straight into the nearest wall I would have turned her to the police ... after SLAPPING HER HARD ACROSS THE EAR! but noooo... in M&B land - you subject yourself to Mad-Molesty-Man (new name which I just invented also) and solve the problem.

It takes the natural course: she says NO, he says: "but your body says YES!" and indeed she explode in some magnificent orgasm nightly. Until they both confess their love and fix his car and then all is well and fantastic and they have the sex every night ... possibly IN the car. RAWR!

Two things I found disturbing in the book and NO, the fantasy rape didn't disturb me. I am honest enough with myself and not scared enough of public opinion to admit this.

The first was that said Greek-Rape-Machine (Phuwar - I can come up with so many names for him... TRY ME!) comes with only two settings: 1) Sardonic and 2) Cynical... he never looks, smiles or sneer or eat or sleep in any other way. He probably also sardonically eat his salami sandwich or... y'know...sardonically make the heroine eat his salami (badum-tish... erk! ¬_¬). It is baffling.

The second is that the heroine seem to have PULSATING NIPPLES... every time Sardonic McRapey Dude manipulated them they pulsated making me want to duck for cover before they exploded ... sheesh >_<;;.

Favourite quote: "You married a Greek who upholds many of the traditional customs. Feministic behaviour in a wife is intolerable."

Just... why... I don't even... how...

Lets move on:

Satan's Master by Carole Mortimer

This was an odd novel who didn't quite know what it wanted to do. It wandered around changing its mind from one place to another. To begin with the Heroine escaped to Scotland because her evil controlling father was forcing her to marry an older guy whome she didn't love. She found herself lost in the fog which led to her being a sort of hostage for attractive mystery scruffy man who turned out to be famouse singer in hiding.

He accuses her of being a spy and she can't defend herself becaus her daddy runs a gossip rag. So instead she falls in love with him all of a sudden. Then her dad abducts her back home.

But not before No-Longer-a-Mystery singer guy tells her that her intended husband is a wife beater. She also assumes he still holds the torch of his dead girlfriend who died in a mysterious car accident... or did he kill her?

Then her daddy turns out not to be bad but a gambling wimp who wants her to save him by marrying Wife-Beater Rich-Man... only he ISN'T a wife-beater, his wife was just nasty...only she WASN'T really nasty just desperate for his attention... and going out with Singer-Bloke... only she WASN'T REALLY ... and errr... they are still in love... and the gambling debt isn't really that bad... so... y'know... she can marry singer man... who never WAS in love with his girlfriend... because she was evil... or something...

If I thought the two settings of the Tycoon of Sardonic Rape (oh it never ends)was bad than the setting of THIS hero is even worse because all he ever does, he does HUSKILY! Oh how husky he is. In fact - I propose a drinking game in which one swigs one shot of soju every time he HUSKS of speaks in a husky voice or huskily goes about his daily business... I tried - and got mightily drunk... very quickly!

And so it ends or more like ebbs... like my interest in this book which was spiked by the name... and then diminished page by page...

Oh yeah - satan is the name of the cat - who is a LADY cat who by the end of the book has kittens...OMGSPOILER and also Mazel Tov!

I have a quote for this one too: "He smelt of good honest sweat, and an even more basic smell, a male smell that excited her."

Heh...

You know what excites ME? A man who takes a shower and uses deordorant regularly... srsly wot-wot!

Onwards to book 3 of this develish batch:

The Devil's Own by Erin st. Clare which was a life saving by this point because it was actually ENJOYABLE... if not making any sense. Heroine pretends to be a whore in civil wartime Montenegro so she can gain the services of war photographer whome she mistakes for a mercenary (on accounts of his scruffy masculine jaw and drunken stupour at a dingy bar) ... she has to smuggle nine orphans from the country ... and once he sobers up and realises he missed his plane out and that she destroys all his films and that she is NOT a whore... he gets rather annoyed... for some reason... I dunno... ^^;;.

But he is willing to help because she makes him horney... only NOW she pretends to be a NUN so he won't molest her... apparently naked groping under jungle shrubbery does not count as breaking sisterly vows... she was bathing you see when some freedom fighters walked by and then had to hide before she could retrieve her bra...

LOGIC!

This book does not have it.

It does, however has plenty of adventures and fun dialogue and thrilling angry kisses and characters with spine and ample ability to walk into walls even in a jungle.

Which all makes for a PROPER fun read - I enjoyed this one A LOT! ...faded a bit once they reached the US but even then - it had a heart and I liked it... basically - this has all that I came to love about M&B and the writing was decent as well.

Book the fourth be:

When the Devil Drives by Sara Craven Which was rather predictable and not very exciting but also not horrendously HORRID for which I am thankful. It had that Romeo and Juliet family fued thing going only the heroine kept telling herself she hates the hero because his father destroyed HER father's empire after HER grandfather kiched HIS grandfather arse out of the mill he was working in. Which apparently happen after HIS grandfather tried to rape HER grandmother.... so now HE wants to shag HER as a revenge ...

It has the obligatory wastrel of a brother, witch mother in law and a dead ex husband (who in the end in a twist of shocking twisty twister turns out to be gay so the heroine is still a virgin ... I don't feel sorry for the spoiler because it was utterly STUPID and got me to bash my head against the nearest hard thing... which I think was a chair but I don't know because it left me slightly concussed!)

Let us continue because it doesn't end so quickly - it turned out that HIS grandad didn't try to rape HER grandmother but they were really in love and HER grandad forced her to have a miscarriage and locked her at home until she died of sadness...

So everyone just goes... LETS NOT FIGHT ANYMORE! And live happily ever after... so yeah...

The conclusion was rushed and a bit lame but until that point there was a bit of pleasant if uninventive friction ....

Not one I would remember in years to come but not one that had me clawing at my head with a "WOTWOTWOT ... JUST... WOT????!!!!"... although there was that brain damadging head bashing with the whole : "Well I guess it is ok that my husband killed himself in a car accident since you say he was gay and in denial - poor chap better off dead really"... feh - show me the nearst wall so I can crush it with my forehead again!

So yeah - no devil and no driving ... misleading title is MISLEADING.

I guess you have to read the NOCTURN range for that one... which I WILL soon enough... ^^;;.

Back to reality:

In which I try to warm my first born to the allure of Satan... MUWHAHAHAHAH!

Via the glorious glory that is ANGERL SANCTUARY (which I am now collecting slowly in ENGLISH... no mean feat because at 20 volume - "OUCH!" said the pocket ... which was spanked and then IGNORED!).

"Behold!" I told Gabriel: "The angel Raphael. Isn't he HOT?"
Gabriel looked at the page and in a bored tone perfected by generations of teenagers declared: "He looks STUPID!"
"WHAT?" I bellowed: "WHY???"
"I'm not stupid" moped his little brother.
"Not you! THAT Raphael!" said Gabriel, "he smokes and smoking is stupid!"
"Welll... " I sulked, "You are only saying that because Yuki Kaori made Gabriel a GIRL!"
"Whatever," said Gabriel pointedly turning his attention to MineCraft.
"Hey! HEY! Look at Lucifer!" I turned the pages, "Pretty, PRETTY Lucifer!" and then I made some kissy sounds as one is want to do when in presence of the devil itself especially when said devil is clad in tight gothy steam-punkish leather.
"Could you," said my son slowly and patiently, "For ONE MOMENT. Stop being disturbing?"
I glared at him.
"Please," he added flatly.
"NO!" I said.
He sighed and went back to his game mumbling: "I had a feeling you'd say that..."

OY! poor children of mine. The mother they have to grow up with. I tell ya...

A mum that will now inform you that Gabriel reported his armpits smell funny which led to me trying to SNIFF him for a whole day at which point he turned around and sent me to my room...

I got him some deordorant...

Which he forgot to use - naturally - he is a teenager. Even when he complains about being smelly he has to be dragged into the shower... well... not actually physically man-handled .. just threatened with the curtailing of his weekly monetary allowance... WORKS LIKE MAGIC!

Today I went over the head of my doctor and asked my gym instructor to check my blood pressure and provide me with exercise suitable to said results (140 over 80 ^^;; ... surprisingly NOT as bad as my initial medical checkup which had the doctor ducking under the table in fear I might actually explode... like afformentioned nipples of one M&B novel >:D).

Exercise was promptly modified to reduce any machine involving me raising my arms to high... not sure WHY that is but I trust my gym instructor. He actually said certain workouts can REDUCE blood pressure which is good. Had enough lying down watching Korean dramas all day...

LIES!!!

I totally dig watching Korean dramas all day!

Especially when they are THE LEGEND which is OMIGODDESS SO EPIC!!!

I know the story well... I LOVE it to bits - nothing sends me into feverish historical digging like a fantasy tale set in the Three Kingdom period. MIGHT be the only person who after watching the two Takarazuka version promptly went online to find ANY extract from the Samguk Yusa and Samguk Sagi (so totally want a printed copy on my shelves but DAMMIT - acadmemic text is EXPENSIVE!!!... yet... me feels the funds for the black and white brogues might go to books instead... OR for a Kosher copy of THE LEGEND dvd box set...).

I don't know if I mentioned finishing MIDAS. I loved it only for the line: "HOSTILE TAKEOVA MIDA!" ... which wasn't in the series... I just made it up because it sounds awesome... in a stupid way...

AND THIS IS WHY KOREAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE TALKING TO ME!

Right ho - life goes on and another year is about to close its doors on us...

May the next one be less interesting - AMEN!

I have apples.

I have honey!

SHANA TOVA!

\(^_^)/